between stimulus and response there is a space
grief tending tools, a new york book signing and a little about the "r" word and bad words
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” - Viktor Frankl
Yes, loss happened to us. We did not ask for this life turning, life altering and all-around shitty event to be bestowed upon us. The reality is though, that it has come and changed the trajectory of our future as we knew it. The rest-of-our-life-movie, rescripted. This has left us wobbly, uncertain and on many days, damn scared. For some who experience a loss, it shows up and shows us that “bad things can happen.” Once we have this in our purview, it can create anxious feelings around what may happen next.
I have been asked many times in my work, and personal journey about resiliency and grief. Along the road of learning to live a life with loss on board, I heard “you’re so strong” so very many times. I began to feel like grief was a world class weight lifting sport. I have now come to realize that resiliency and learning to flex that muscle is what keeps us afloat.
A defining moment in the proverbial sands of time - instantaneously changes our days into the before and after when it comes to grief. We have this defining moment of reality set in. My friend, author and NY-based, grief and trauma therapist, Gina Moffa, coined this phenomenon, Griefall. In her book, Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go. she has gifted us a name for this unspoken but unforgettable line in the sand of life’s trajectory. But, how we respond to this moment, through dedicated grief tending practices, is exactly how we grow forward. I will be in conversation with Gina in person, in NY on October 23 at 7pm. You can register here. We’d love to see you!
If you have been with me in The Memory Circle, you know I call bullshit on bright-siding any and all parts of grieving. And yes, I love bad words - and the good juicy science that goes with using them to process feelings and emotions! Add a good F-bomb to the end of a sentence or statement when you are really trying to prove a point, or feel incredibly frustrated and tell me I am wrong. It helps! But I digress.
I am not asking you to accept this loss and move on merrily, or stuff it down as if nothing happened - no, no, never. I am simply reminding you, from the other side of the sandbar - you have a CHOICE in how this next part plays out.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” - Viktor Frankl
From group support to therapeutic journaling, there are vast and many modalities in the middle, we can lean into when we are untangling the tangles of learning to live with loss. The first step is to craft a plan. This week I asked a client, what feels good lately? Yoga, walks, connecting with friends, massage, canasta… Can you do more of that? In her search for trying to do grief right - she gave herself permission in the moment, to do more of what feels good for right now.
PERMISSION GRANTED!
It reminded me of the positive psychology model and study of Martin Seligman. Less about determining and leaning into the “what is wrong with you” — and more about leaning into daily well-being. (This model has been coined PERMA. (Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishments Read more here). In our coaching time together, I will often borrow some of this theory into our conversations and activities.
A few for you:
Look for Delights! (the more you note them, the more you see them!) I borrowed this prompt from Ross Gay, who wrote an essay a day for 100 days on delight. The Book of Delights is a favorite of mine.
List Your Daily Non-Negotiables: From making the bed to showering - give this a try and see where it takes you. Sometimes it shows us what we are actually accomplishing when we feel otherwise.
Mood Boosters: What feels good right now? What things in the “before” felt good? Can I add them to my list of non-negotiable?
Favorite Distractions: My client plays canasta. This is not forgetting her loss, it is giving her a break from it. We need this! What are yours?
Feel Good Places & Spaces (real and virtual): Can you go there? Sitting on a bench in the park and feeding the birds, the frozen yogurt spot with unlimited toppings, a mindful playlist or guided meditation. Music played at 528 hz!
People to Reach Out To: Do you have folks that respond when you need an ear or a favor? How about a group of grief supporters? Sometimes we have them in our circle and sometimes we need to find our circle.
I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts. No one or right way is going to help us move forward and learn to live with loss. What IS the truth — is that you have choice in how you do.
FROM THE CIRCLE:
On my nightstand: Always A Sibling by Annie Sklaver Orenstein
On my playlist: Miracle Music great for the nervous system
On my mind: Free grief relief kit!
x B.
Your approach to grief resonates strongly with me Barri! Shedding light on the reality of grief - not just the good stuff, not just the bad stuff). I love these tips you’ve shared 💛
yes to all of this.