widows want you to know....
what happens in grief group does not have to stay in grief group
Last year, I was asked by a longtime attendee in my Living With Loss: Grief Support Group, if I would consider leading a widows group. Hmmmm? My “all loss” group at the time, had a mix of parent, child, pet and spousal loss and an “all loss welcome” sign on the perverbial door. She felt like it may be a good idea to gather with other women who were also widows, and based on her feedback, I opened the group.
I have been now been holding a LWL widows support group for a year. I have grown to know of the very particular language and understanding they speak amongst themselves. I appreciate their wisdom, humor and better understand this deep and particular sorrow from a new perspective. As the sister of a widow, a sister who has shared mother loss alongside me, it has helped me to know her grief as a widow better, too.
I admire how they lift one another and see each other so clearly. How very alike they are amidst their different marriages, ages and stages in life and familial relationships. I have seen glimmers of this in other grievers, but this group especially.
In an early session, I suggested picking someone in group, if you did not already have one, as your “I've landed” person. Letting someone know, who understands, that you are heading out and home safely. There is so much grief support that supposes that you actually have a “friend group” to lean on — let alone a friend group who understands. Each has lost their emergency contact and while this is no replacement, it is a new system they have put in place. So many in my groups need to put many new systems in place—and this is one my widows wanted. They also want a “new name” for widowhood. Most don’t care to use the moniker at all and think it makes them sound older, weak, sad…and overall, think we can do better or do without it.
Two of the women have had a child marry and planned weddings without their beloveds. Each figured out how to honor and remember their spouse, in their own way. One woman, we will call her Sue, said she did not want any “slanted heads and low level pity talk” on the big day, so she was going to send an email missive before the event so all were clear on how Dad would be remembered.
Another walked her daughter down the aisle and had a “mother-daughter” dance. One of the group has a wedding and wedded in-laws in her future and is taking notes! She is sharing how she is navigating the early stage planning and because of group, now has her own team of specialized “widowed wedding planners” in supporting her.
No topic is off limits. From sex and dating to still having all of his clothes in the closet years in and everything in between is shared. This week I posed a question in our session… “What do you wish people knew about your grief”? I always wondered what it would be like if we wore grief on our sleeve—literally. Imagine it emblazoned on t-shirts like concert souvenirs? What then, if there world could actually see on the outside, what we may be healing and dealing with on the inside? Would we, could we, meet one another with greater civility and humanity? I sometimes see a driver acting up in traffic or quick on the horn. Perhaps it is just a jerky driver, but I often think — what happened to you? Is grief on board? What does their shirt say?
Here are some of the astute answers, reflections and what my group this week, wants the world to know:
I want to be invited, but I may not come. Don’t count me out because I am no longer a couple. Let me decide. And if my single status makes you uncomfortable, well, that is your problem.
Say his name! I still want to talk about “Dave”. I want to tell you stories and I want to hear the ones you remember about him. Saying his name does not make me more sad, not saying his name does.
When you try to change a service, let’s say the cable offerings, or any bill for that matter, they will ask for the person named on the bill. Even if you say they are dead at the very beginning of said call. If your dead spouse is the named entity, they will ask for proof that he is dead. They need a death certificate. The business of tending to a death, is wildly difficult, expensive and confounding. Folks of the end of these calls are NOT grief informed and should be!
The micro-griefs of the above, add up to…keeping your cable as it is for two years until you go to change the name on the account in person, with death certificate in hand and they say they don’t need it. You intend to write to said cable company and ask if they know how much this policy hurts.
You need dozens of death certificates.
You may cry at the car dealer - and that is more than ok. Know that it doesn't not mean you are unhinged. This is just more a “him” job than a “me” job and it sucks that I need to do this alone.
I may want to be fixed up. I may not want to be fixed up. Please don’t ask me about it in the first year.
How he died is a lot less interesting or important than how he lived. But, I want to talk about both. Know that it is always more about how you ask… Are you drilling me with questions, fodder for gossip — or are you truly here to care?
If “I can’t imagine, or I don’t know what I would do…” is the start of your sentence. Please refrain.
Know that I do many household jobs and carry the responsibilities alone that were once handled by two. Be patient me with. Be impressed. We built this “life” as a team - it is a two person gig, now being covered by one.
I may or may not want help. I don’t know exactly what I need. Keep asking, and make a specific offer.
I have not only lost my husband, but I have lost so much that he stood for - values, income, physical strength, hobbies, my hang-out friend, support system, laugh partner…
Part of me also died with my husband. I am learning who I am without him.
I am the keeper of our memories. Some things about me, only he knew.
It is hard as hell. I am getting used to doing hard well. And I don’t always want to…
There are so many secondary losses as a widow. Ones you cannot imagine. Ones I wish you understood, but know you can’t without being a widow.
I have lost my emergency contact.
The world is largely grief illiterate.
And most of all, the person who would be getting you me through all of the hardest parts of this grief, is the very guy they are each grieving. Please feel free to add yours to the list in comments. This is a moving and living and breathing entity. I hope you will pass this on far and wide.
I always say groups are a wisdom exchange and have never believed that to be more true than in the hearts and shared sage advice of these incredible women.
x, B
I don't call myself a widow, ever. I am single! Thank you for this post as always!