10.29.23

i get to be 58

Today I turn 58. My birth day. I am grateful for another magical trip around the sun. Even this very bumpy and unusual year. As I am alive. Alive with wonder and curiosity and ok, a little worry. You may know my wish.

I wrote the following on my 50th and shared it in circle, post yoga party, with a group of friends and family. From that day forward I have felt reminded that I am on borrowed time. Making meaning and rich memories each year, and trying to make a difference has been the mission of my heart. I go on to honor her and her legacy.

Here is the piece from eight years ago. Still all true and more each year.

On my 50th:

I honor and remember my mom Ellen. See, when you lose a parent, your birthday is no longer simply a milestone, a day of marking a move forward, all candles and balloons--it rolls back to the day you were born. Your birth, day. The very day my mom brought me into the whole, wide, world. On this 50th anniversary of that very day I remember her because she only had 50 in her short but lyrical lifetime. Not only for her fierce independence, her beauty and grace, her wit and brilliant way with words--even if peppered with a few sailor-mouth-tinged f-bombs--mostly for her motherly magic and the way she raised two girls she was so proud of she would bore strangers with escapades from the minutiae of our accomplishments big and small... She told us too. Never forgetting to say it out loud. Making her proud meant reaching the highest bar, grabbing the brass ring, doing your best and eating a salad with dinner ever night. She was a tough crowd and critic. And I think lettuce was her elixir. And JuJu candy-never black or green though.

She was the most fantastic audience to your life that you could ever imagine. Front and center with standing ovations.

She loved with warm hugs and kisses and conviction. She was a doer who stayed out the extra hour at the beach to get in last licks of the sun, or another round of scrabble, or rush to the mall after work to get you the perfect party outfit, close down Carvel grabbing the last cone with sprinkles on any given week night for no special occasion. She let you take off a day of school to venture into Manhattan for a Broadway show. She was a mighty 5 foot 2, but she lived so large! I can hear her laugh and battle cry in my efforts to emulate her. The life lessons, her charitable ways and most of all her motherhood is what I try and honor daily. I have tried to live moments she will never, to their fullest. To raise two granddaughters she has never known in a way that would make her smile. To marry (or remarry) with her power of love. And to be the best big sister and Aunt I know how.

I hope we can all live on a little in her memory and the memory of the day she brought me here.

Here is to living everyday she didn't have on this planet and never taking it for granted. Happy Birth Day Mom. Today J get to be 58.