grief tending: on father's day

tools for your kit from your coach

On this father’s day, things may look a little bit different for you. Perhaps it is a day or a decade without your Dad. Maybe you have been trying to be a Dad for sometime. Child loss, divorce, infertility, dementia — there are so very many reasons that make this Hallmark holiday a whole lot of heavy for some.

I say, ditch the day as you know it.

Make it what may feel meaningful to you. It’s liberating. Necessary. And in your power. How can you reframe this “everybody bbq and celebrate Dad” date on the calendar?

This year I queried community to ask if they might like a card that felt appropriate for the way they were feeling this year. A resounding yes and DMs filled with firsts “without him”, fraught relationships and old promises gone dry. A day where a mother will be alone, while her children visit with her now, ex-partner. The wish for a Dad that just could not show up in a way that felt loving and right. I sat at my desk and penned them all a note. One that fit. A greeting that met them just where they were - in a place they could feel seen and heard.

When a holiday hits that seems like an “everybody, everyday” thing - I always think of the “how abouts….” How about the ones for whom this day has no meaning, new meaning, feels meaning less? I applaud the companies that ask if you would actually like to receive their emails and promos for garden and grilling gift ideas for father, when they might just make you feel bad.

Maybe the kids want to celebrate you, but you just miss your own Dad too damn much to fake it? The day is yours. Split it. Skip it. Write a letter to him, earthly or otherwise. Maybe you mail it into the ether, maybe it is saved in The Cloud. Go on a walk. Run. Bike. Eat his favorite food. Bake a cake. Light a candle. Find a support group. Swim. Surf. Nap. Nap some more.

How best can your father yourself today?

With love and understanding.

x, Barri