happy birthday dad

Just writing those three words, brings me to tears. Neil David Leiner is 85 today. I always thought August 31 was a cool birth date. Somehow, it seemed a celebratory day for savoring summer and an unofficial welcome to fall.

Found this photo strip on Dad’s Facebook page.

My Dad is an award winning Mad Man. He worked for years in advertising. While he proudly opted in for custom plates on his silver VW Beetle emblazoned “GRAMPSY” circa ‘96, my sister Danna and I tried to convince him years back, that “AD DAD” would be the play.

When he came to school for career day and doled out samples of Aim toothpaste and Tickle deodorant with the entire fourth grade at Nutswamp Elementary School, bragging rights were immediate and lasted clear into the future. This first of its kind gooey green gel and polka dot teen-dream scented foursome, was the stuff of the future. Dad’s “truth in advertising” warnings, let everyone in on why toys don’t always work as well as they might seem on tv. Careful what you put on your wish list. It always made me feel proud inside that he delivered this lesson in his soft, mid-western way. His brand of care and kindness with the kids was the same with beloved clients.

Years of working in pharmaceutical advertising, allowed for the release of life-changing breast cancer drugs (first of their kind) and established breast cancer awareness week as part of the campaign. Dad’s idea. With little fanfare or credit. It turned into National Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October of 1985 (by another company) to promote mammograms. Each October on my birthday, Dad would share one of the products on the market to “promote pink” and give back to the cause.

We have received calls checking in on him from former colleagues. He lives in a Memory Care Community now, and no longer knows how to use his phone. We have learned about many of his brilliant ad days associates who have died, become ill and had to share with others about Dad’s decline.

Since his original diagnosis of cognitive impairment, we have learned to live with less of our “AD DAD” and more of the man who lives in the absolute present moment. This lesson is not lost on me. He is not worried about anything at all. He raises his glass at meals with table mates and offers a “cheers everybody” with the low sugar cranberry juice he has grown to enjoy. He paints and draws, participates in chair yoga and still catches a ball with deft coordination. We help spell out the names on the Scrabble board of all of the family members now — just a different way to play these days.

We tell him stories of his past now, instead of asking “do you remember”. When he got his Covid vaccine we reminded him he worked with Pfizer. I offered, “Dad, did you know that you used to work at the company who made this vaccine?”. “No, I didn’t work there, they were my client”, he let me know. Glimmers of his past and memory shine through from time to time. When the nurse asked if he could confirm that the name on his paperwork was in fact him, he exclaimed, “if it says handsome, it’s me”. His sense of humor is still there and on time most days too.

Staff tells us he always says “thank you”, from meds to meals and all of the care he now requires in between. It is hard to reconcile the “AD DAD” with the man before me. I love both, and miss one madly. Grieving the man who made it to another birthday, is hard. We will celebrate him today over a lunch and with some trendy Hoka’s my husband picked out for him. Gotta keep Grampsy hip.

We will play him some of his favorite music, tell him some stories and how old he is today. He has been astonished by that number when we have shared it in the past. It makes him laugh in disbelief - “you’ve got to be kidding me”. “How old do you feel Dad,” we ask. He’s not sure, but surely not in his 80s, but more of the 1980s of his famed past.

I see his birthday as far more celebratory than a few I may have taken for granted in others years. There are also the ones I missed, while living in Chicago. This year, he gets to be 85. We will remind him just how glorious that truly is and will also remember his astonishing accomplishments with him and for him. Most of all, we will love the man who stands before us - in his nifty new kicks.

In the present of the present moment.

PS. Leave him a birthday greeting in the comments and I will share it with him.

x, B