i lost a client

grief tending, a tender practice and a blessing for the befores and afters

I texted a friend.

“I lost a client today,” I wrote. She immediately began a “pick-me-up” and “it’s ok”, “shit happens” kind of chat. “Some folks are just not ready to do the work….” she added.

I realize I did what I tell my clients, family and friends not to do. I used a confusing euphemism. Perhaps I did not want to say this truth out loud. She was confused because I did not say, she died.

My client Patti, died.

Photo by USGS on Unsplash

Patti came to me by way of a beloved author and Instagrammer, Teri Turner of No Crumbs Left. Teri and I have bonded over shared mother loss, have a dear friend (birth dula and prenatal master yogi) Amy Owen in common and I have been an honored guest on her podcast — twice!

Teri generously offered her “crumbles” aka fearless and fabulous followers, a chance to work with me and have their grief tending sponsored, BY HER! Teri’s mom’s name is Patty and so there was a heartstring pulled when our Patti applied.

Patti came to group to sort the feelings and grief she was experiencing around a terminal diagnosis and recurrence with cancer. She craved a private space and place away from family where she could tend to the grief and end of life plans and expectations she was dealing with and feeling. (She also has shared permission with me to share her story and testimonials). I had some clients in group who had experienced the death of their loved ones from cancer and was not certain how her joining may unfurl and land.

I always meet with everyone who attends The Memory Circle, and trusted my instinct that “every circle comes together for a reason” and that the bright light in Patti would shine on us all. And gosh, was I right. The widsom exchange that ensued was nothing short of breath-taking. Each week she grappled with how to leave her family in a way she felt good about and all the fu’s she could muster at the big C. She brought so very many laughs and lessons. There were no words that could be left in a note that seemed to sum the entirely of her love. It was just too hard. And she wanted everyone to know this! This landed for me and I am certain others who hope for some magical words left behind.

The group witnessed first hand, the power of greiving and planning for death and dying. She learned from group some of the ways they felt comforted and settled at end of life and how that may help her.

It was brave and beautiful and true in every way.

On the morning after she died, I was listening to Kate Bowler on the season’s first episode of On Being with Krista Tippet. Kate read a blessing from her new book, A blessing for Befores and Afters.

From the podcast transcript:

All right, my dears. This is a blessing for befores and afters. If you’ve ever had a moment where things came undone, big or small, then this is all for you.

“Blessed are you when the shock subsides,

when vaguely, you see a line appear that divides before and after.

“You didn’t draw it, and you can barely even make it out.

But as surely as minutes add up to hours and days,

here you are,

forced into a story you never would have written.

“Blessed are you in the tender place of wonder and dread,

wondering how to be whole when dreams have disappeared and part of you with them,

where mastery, control, determination, bootstrapping, and grit,

are consigned to the realm of before (where most of the world lives),

in the fever dream that promises infinite choices, unlimited progress, best life now.

“Blessed are we in the after, loudly shouting: is there anybody here?

We hear the echo, the shuffle of feet, the murmur of others

asking the same question, together in the knowledge

that we are far beyond what we know.

“Show us a glimmer of possibility in this new constraint,

that small truths will be given back to us.

We are held.

We are safe.

We are loved.

We are loved.

We are loved.

“And best of all: We are not alone”

When I logged into my instagram page, there was the SAME blessing. In an August post from Patti. We were well into September. She said she would send us signs. And this felt like the first.

Patti is forever missed and loved. Her wisdom and spirit will be with me in so very many ways. The last words of the last email she sent along….

“You are and always will be such a blessing to me”.

In honor of Patti, I am offering a scholarship to our next session. We begin 10.10 to and through the holidays. Our circle of support meets bi-weekly, on Tuesdays. One group for all loss, death and non-death and a new group for grief support dedicated to widows. Please reply to this email if you wish to be considered for the scholarship and learn more about The Memory Circle.