on the f word
a wrinkle in time & grief camp
“I’m fine,” I answered with a tight smile.
Fine – is an F word, Mom always says.
To her it was worse than that OTHER f word. Which she let us say in the house, by the way.
It was not an answer she would allow when asking how school was, or gymnastics practice, or your Sunday with Dad when he came on Divorce Day. Movies. Bowling. Skating. Keeping busy from lunch to dinner on Sunday. You had to always share something you learned or something interesting. Even a bit of gossip might suffice.
Anything but the F word.
Well, today Barbra G. came back to school. We all know that her Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. But nobody is supposed to say anything. She certainly did not want to talk about it, and neither did I. So I complimented her new maroon corduroy Levis. Then I asked about her new Wallabees. And we avoid talk of anything to do with her Mom. Which sort of made it even more obvious that we were not talking about it. I do sit next to her at lunch and I think it made her feel like it was just a regular old day.
Lunchroom pizza and giggling at the lower graders. We both got chocolate milks, which is a score when there are only a few on the tray. Mr. Gasparini, had to put the cardboard up on Ronald’s desk again. This helps him focus.
He has a hard time concentrating in the experimental open classroom. It’s called the POD. Two classrooms each of fourth, fifth and sixth grades. We share a Newberry award winning book called, A Wrinkle in Time. Each of us has the chance to participate in an introductory panel. I am in charge of the vocabulary words. I hold up cardboard signs with Crayola decorated bubble letters. It won the award in 1963. Two years before we were born!
Frenzied. Frenzied. “Does anybody know what this word means?”
We are observing our aquarium/terrariums in science, or SCIS as it is called. Not sure we realized how futuristic or forward thinking this learning space was, until we were much older and joked about it in high school.
See.
All of these things are just, well, ok.
And…fine.
Because for the first time, I worry. I worry that a Mom can get sick. Might get sick. Or cross over into the wrinkle.
But I don’t dare share. With Mom or Barb. I know that Mr. G’s Mom died. She was old, not sick. We learn to say, I’m sorry.
I keep these thoughts on death to myself. And my small pink diary with the heart shaped lock.
I am incredibly honored and excited to be co-leading this incredible and first of its kind programming at Kripalu from January 12-17. We will be gathering in community at one of the most beautiful retreat centers in the country with some of the best grief experts I know. I have loved being a program participant here as a writer, yogi and curious learner — and can’t wait to be with you here to help facilitate this transformative week.
Join Allison Gilbert, Meghan Jarvis, Charlene Lam and me for GRIRF CAMP designed to provide you with a comprehensive understanding of how grief manifests in the body, mind, and spirit.
Organized around the six components of the Grief Mentor Method™ – an innovative tool designed to help grievers create their own individualized grief process – this workshop will impart crucial information and lead you through innovative exercises to help move the energy created by grief through the body.
In Kripalu's caring, creative and nurturing environment, you will:
+Experience movement, writing, meditation, energy healing, breath work, and rest.+Increase your grief education through experiential practices.
+Learn interventions to alleviate present-day emotional and psychological overwhelm as you incorporate practices into your grief tending journey.
+Return home with a personal, culturally-informed and flexible process to best support yourself—and insight into how to support others.
+This program is suitable for grievers at any point in their grief journey, clinicians, coaches, and/or those supporting other grievers.
If you are unable to join me in person and seek community grief support in the new year - join me in new CONSCIOUS GRIEVING groups. Limited to 12, with a few spots remaining.
x, B
Thank you for this post. Your descriptions are so familiar and relatable. I can totally picture your pink diary with the heart shaped lock. It is way more than ‘fine’ to read about these common experiences!