sunday service
growing forward in grief
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” - Viktor Frankl
Yes, loss happened to us. We did not ask for this life turning, life altering and all-around shitty event to be bestowed upon us. The reality is though, that it has come and changed the trajectory of our future as we knew it. The “rest of our life” movie, rescripted. This has left us wobbly, uncertain and on many days, scared. For some who experience a loss, it shows up and shows us that “bad things can happen.” Once we have this in our purview, it can create anxious feelings around what may happen next.
Barri, I can hear you asking, what the heck does this mean as it relates to a life with grief.
This defining line in the proverbial sands of time - instantaneously changes our days into the before and after. We have this defining moment of reality set in. My friend, author and NY-based, grief and trauma therapist, Gina Moffa, coined this phenomenon, Griefall. In her book, Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go. she has gifted us a name for this unspoken but unforgettable line in life’s trajectory. But, how we respond to this moment, through dedicated grief tending practices, is exactly how we grow forward.
If you have been with me in The Memory Circle, you know I call bullshit on bright-siding any and all parts of grieving. And yes, I love bad words - and the good juicy science that goes with using them to process feelings and emotions! Add a good F-bomb to the end of a sentence or statement when you are really trying to prove a point, or feel incredibly frustrated and tell me I am wrong. It helps! But I digress.
I am not asking you to accept this loss and move on merrily, or stuff it down as if nothing happened - no, no, never. I am simply reminding you, from the other side of the sandbar - you have a CHOICE in how this next part plays out.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” - Viktor Frankl
From group support to therapeutic journaling, there are vast and many modalities in the middle, we can lean into when we are untangling the tangles of learning to live with loss. The first step is to craft a plan. This week I asked a client, what feels good lately? Yoga, walks, connecting with friends, massage, canasta… Can you do more of that? In her search for trying to do grief right - she gave herself permission in the moment, to do more of what feels good for right now.
It reminded me of the positive psychology model and study of Martin Seligman. Less about determining and leaning into the “what is wrong with you” — and more about leaning into daily well-being. (This model has been coined PERMA. (Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishments Read more here). In our coaching time together, I will often borrow some of this theory into our conversations and activities.
A few for you:
Look for Delights! (the more you note them, the more you see them!) I borrowed this prompt from Ross Gay, who wrote an essay a day for 100 days on delight. The Book of Delights is a favorite of mine.
List Your Daily Non-Negotiables: From making the bed to showering - give this a try and see where it takes you. Sometimes it shows us what we are actually accomplishing when we feel otherwise.
Mood Boosters: What feels good right now? What things in the “before” felt good? Can I add them to my list of non-negotiable?
Favorite Distractions: My client plays canasta. This is not forgetting her loss, it is giving her a break from it. We need this! What are yours?
Feel Good Places & Spaces (real and virtual): Can you go there? Sitting on a bench in the park and feeding the birds, the frozen yogurt spot with unlimited toppings, a mindful playlist or guided meditation.
People to Reach Out To: Do you have folks that respond when you need an ear or a favor? How about a group of grief supporters? Sometimes we have them in our circle and sometimes we need to find our circle.
I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts. No one or right way is going to help us move forward and learn to live with loss. What IS the truth — is that you have choice in how you do.
FROM THE CIRCLE:
On my nightstand: Louder Than Hunger by John Schu
On my playlist: I Wished On The Moon by Joy Oladokun
On my mind: Living With Loss grief support groups.
x B.
This comes at a very aligned time for me. I just lost my father two weeks ago and the grieving process has looking like being in bed sick all week, cancelling work, and putting my energy into processing through some creative projects. A beautiful poem birthed from the heart, and friends and family did their best to support me with food, flowers and their loving words 💜
Thank you for normalizing this non-linear process. Sending love to those who are deeply in it right now.