the grievers' holiday bill of rights!

comfort and joy make look a little bit different this time of year

The holiday season can feel like a lot to carry when you are grieving. When you are longing to share the day with your loved one. When you are missing them perhaps, more than ever. Well meaning friends and family may show up in ways that don’t feel quite right, or not know how to acknowledge how difficult this time of year may be for you. Gosh, how I wish the world was more equipped to hold grief for grievers.

Your knowing what feels right this time of year is entirely up to you. It begins with the permission you gift yourself for letting the holidays look like doing things differently than you have ever done before — or leaning into tried and true traditions that make you feel closest to your person.

We may not know exactly who will carve the turkey or if caroling still feels as festive as it used to — you have the right to show up just as you are this year and decide. And bring your grief along! No need to hide it, or pretend it’s not there for the sake of others. Sometimes being with our grief allows us to feel closer to those we miss and want to remember.

Comfort and joy make look and feel a little bit different this year — and that is more than ok. From reframing the day to ditching what feels too difficult, find self-compassion and allowance in trying to show up for yourself and your grief in a way that feels like a cozy sweater.

I offer you this “bill of rights” should it help. Maybe you can send it along to friends and family so they know how to meet you where you are….

MY HOLIDAY GRIEF BILL OF RIGHTS

I have the right to cry anytime and anywhere (remember tears are movement and need no apologies!).

I have the right to set realistic expectations and remind myself I am doing the best I can.

I have the right to say no, change my mind and leave early!

I have the right to talk about my loved one, even if it might make you sad. I expect you to remember them with me and for me too. Please say their name.

I have the right to try on new traditions - it does not mean I have forgotten the old ones, or my loved one — it just makes me feel best right now.

I have the right to skip this holiday all together without judgement from others or myself.

I have the right to do what is right for me. There is no one way to grieve at the holidays - just my way.

I have the right to heal any which way I choose. That may mean cancelling or going full tilt celebrate - I decide.

I have the right not to know exactly what will feel ok, and I can change my mind, even at the last moment.

I have the right to grieve them, whether it has been a day or a decade.

I have the right for your understanding, even if you don’t agree with my choices.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that the holidays may intensify feelings of grief and loss. Don't force yourself to participate in traditions if they feel too difficult.

Set boundaries. Politely decline invitations or social events you don't feel up to. It's okay to prioritize your self-care.

Create new traditions. Consider starting a new ritual or activity that honors your loved one, like lighting a memorial candle, writing them a letter, buying a gift from them, or making a donation in their name.

Lean on your support system. Reach out to understanding friends and family who can provide a listening ear or help with tasks. Support groups can also offer community.

Take time for reflection. Build in moments for quiet contemplation, a playlist, journaling, or visiting your loved one's gravesite, altar or a special place they loved.

Allow yourself to feel joy. Experiencing happiness and laughter does not diminish your grief. Cherish moments of levity. Go on a joy hunt!

Seek professional help if needed. A grief coach, grief support group or counselor can provide coping strategies and a safe space to process emotions.

My website, this page and even my instagram may offer some grief tending tools. Nobody needs to grieve alone - if the season gets to be too much to carry, please reach out.

You don’t have to pretend or hide. If the season feels like a struggle - I hope you will find the safety and vulnerability to say so. The weight of an empty seat at the table. The card without their smile. Choose time spent in places and spaces that feel vibrant in the way that feels best for you. Holding you in my heart. Missing them for you and with you. Feel free to share their name and a beautiful holiday memory here, I would love to share it with you.

x, Barri