what's their name?

a free gift, a big little lesson and a small ask

Say their name. Say their name. Say their name.

Years ago, I would find discomfort in sharing the death of my mother. I would slip it into conversation quickly so as not to upset others. I learned that if I shared her name, I could open up conversations about her and bring her memory forward.

Thirty years later, this is a mainstay (or unspoken rule if you will) of Circle. Whenever someone shares, I lost my mother, father, sister, child, brother, spouse, partner – pets, too – I say, “tell me their name”. And now you will too, I bet.

I watch their shoulders relax, the curl of a smile unfold, and a comfort come over the idea of talking about their special one. Sometimes tears come too. For many, the idea of speaking their name as part of the daily chit chat is not yet, part of a practice. For others, their family choose never to speak of the loss and they felt shunned for bringing them up.

When we meet in Circle, you will hear me remind you and others to share their name. Today I say, “I lost my Mom, Ellen. She died suddenly in 1993.” Just yesterday someone told me how their mother loved the name Ellen in response. We offer others permission to bring memories of loved ones forward, into the today and the conversation. There is an aliveness to this practice – and one I encourage you to invite into your grief tending and make an everyday thing.

If you would like to add community and practice to your grief tending tools, meet me in Circle. We gather in group on July 11 on Tuesdays, through August 8th. (Scholarships available by request.) Oh, and here is a free gift from me to you - ‘cause everybody needs a little treat. Or keep me in your back pocket. Yup, take me on the go.

Meet my Mom Ellen. Tell me the name of the loved one you are missing in the comments.

With love, x Barri