i am lonely

how about you?

About half of all America’s adults report measurable levels of loneliness.

I am one.

Since my Mom died in 1993, I have always held a bit o’ the melancholy in my bones. I have mostly chalked it up to missing her. That pang of longing to connect to her has been present for decades now. Author Susan Cain calls this kind of intensity about life, Bittersweet, and I like her framing.

Right before I moved back “home” to the East Coast from Chicago last year, I told a few folks how lonely my existence had felt over my time there. In the early years I blamed motherloss and being the new girl and new mom. Now I have landed, and the loneliness followed. I blame a big move and life transition, my youngest heading off to school leaving us empty nesters, a new town and my Dad’s memory loss increasing in recent years.

A few years back, I joined a women’s gathering space called Altar. I realized as I began to connect to a bi-weekly meeting in such a nurturing way, that I had never been part of a group. Support or otherwise. A knee-jerk reaction to motherloss in my late 20s, was hardcore resiliency. A go-it-alone and carry on attitude, because you must and you do. And back then, there were precious few resources for a grieving young adult. I don’t recall anyone saying grief or grieving back then. Ever.

I have also been a solo-prenuer and freelancer most of my work life. The only community I had tapped into were yoga regulars who became friendlier over our time frequenting the same studio. Most of those connection stayed in and around the mat. Some expanded on retreats over the years, including a beloved yoga teacher, who suggested I join Altar.

In group discussions there, I learned as the women so vulnerably revealed and reflected their emotional and psychological interiority, that their relationships and current struggles were likeminded or undertandable in many ways. Listening was not only a beautiful means of connection, it felt like downright “mothering”. It was less that they personally were doting on me or packing me a pb & j for lunch - but a wash of that allowance in feeling somehow, re-mothered. I am certain I did not consciously avoid this type of connection over time, but subconsciously may have felt it was some type of betrayal to my mother and her memory? Maybe it felt burdensome or immature to have the kind of questions I had burning?

When I shared my sentiments with the founder, she admitted her not calling for “dates” outside of group, an assumption that I was “busy”. Bet it looks that way on the highlight reel of my Instagram account. Social media is an alarming part of the “loneliness epidemic” we are currently experiencing in the U.S. We think we know what is going on in one another’s lives by sharing our photos and captions, but how could we really? We both admitted to also being in great company with our husbands and sisters and how that is often our connection of choice.

Loneliness is “an under-appreciated public health crisis” that needs our attention, says U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. In May, he released an eighty page health advisory. It warns that the physical consequences of poor connection can be devastating, including a 29% increased risk of heart disease; a 32% increased risk of stroke; and a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults.

“In person matters”, he shares and I take heed.

“Chronic loneliness, or an extended sense of detachment from others, creates critical physiological and psychological consequences on our health. As a condition, loneliness is an illness that is invisible to others and preys upon an individual's psyche. Being socially disconnected has a similar effect on mortality as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.”

This statement was widely reported in the media, including in the Washington Post, the Times and the Daily Mail.

"Loneliness can change the neurochemistry of the brain, turning off the dopamine neurons, which trigger the reward response, and causing some degeneration in the brain when the reward response is not activated," says Katherine Peters, MD, PhD, FAAN, associate professor of neurology and neurosurgery at Duke University.

We no longer pick up the phone to talk, we text. Even before Covid-19 had us working and schooling from home, we were universally reporting feelings of isolation. All was then compounded by the pandemic — leaving us and our children, lonelier than ever before.

This is not merely about being connected by a gaggle of folks, but the quality of our connection. In response, the advisory outlines a new national strategy. It is based on six foundational pillars, which are:

1. Strengthening social infrastructure, which includes things like parks and libraries as well as public programs.

2. Enacting pro-connection public policies at every level of government, including things like accessible public transportation or paid family leave.

3. Mobilizing the health sector to address the medical needs that stem from loneliness.

4. Reforming digital environments to "critically evaluate our relationship with technology."

5. Deepening our knowledge through more robust research into the issue.

6. Cultivating a culture of connection.

As someone new to town, I am trying to make my grief support part of public programming. My “Writing Through Grief” workshop is funded by donors at my local library. The local bookstore has 2x a week Speakeasy Sessions, free gatherings hosted by locals like me. I joined an entrepreneurial women’s group called Fern Hill Project. I asked a new connection on a lunch date.

Please reply privately or comment boldly—are feeling it too? Join my grief group (I offer scholarships!) or free local gatherings.

Call someone today. Make a date to meet IRL. For the health of it! Let’s get a little more unlonely together.

x, B