Beautiful. Raw and honest. Thank you, Barri, for your words.
And this - "disappointing our mother was your own worst punishment." Oh I get that.
And the organ donation and making fucked up decisions. Thank you for those words, as I felt the same, I was in such shock after my mom's death, not the time be asked such questions of which organs to donate. Your words make me feel less guilt for my decision to not donate certain things.
The knowledge of the liver cancer, and your realization that your mom got the better deal by not having to go through that brutal process... years ago my cousin told me, while her father was dying of brain cancer, that she debated back and forth in her head, which way is better to lose a parent? Suddenly and unexpectedly, or a slower death by cancer and treatment, where you can say a slow good-bye?
I told her that I had debated that myself, having lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly, just like you lost your beautiful mom. And that I thought there were pros and cons to both ways.
I couldn't tell her that my conclusion to that debate was basically the same as your conclusion.
I remember her departure like it was yesterday. The paper and book and the fruit in her bag. Your words have given me a fullness around it. Thank you.
Sweet, generous reader. 🤍
So nice to hear from you. I write to make sense of it all. Writing myself back together.
Thank you for your reflections
It is often we need to see or hear the knowing or reflections of grief and can tap into that "me too".
I just learned how the sudden and unexpected death was traumatic. Too difficult to process grief or decision making at all in shock and trauma.
Hoping you are well. X B.
Beautiful. Raw and honest. Thank you, Barri, for your words.
And this - "disappointing our mother was your own worst punishment." Oh I get that.
And the organ donation and making fucked up decisions. Thank you for those words, as I felt the same, I was in such shock after my mom's death, not the time be asked such questions of which organs to donate. Your words make me feel less guilt for my decision to not donate certain things.
The knowledge of the liver cancer, and your realization that your mom got the better deal by not having to go through that brutal process... years ago my cousin told me, while her father was dying of brain cancer, that she debated back and forth in her head, which way is better to lose a parent? Suddenly and unexpectedly, or a slower death by cancer and treatment, where you can say a slow good-bye?
I told her that I had debated that myself, having lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly, just like you lost your beautiful mom. And that I thought there were pros and cons to both ways.
I couldn't tell her that my conclusion to that debate was basically the same as your conclusion.
Thank you, Scorpio Sister.