Just down the river and through lots of woods in Westchester County, just an hour from New York City, lies the sweetest little bookstore.
If you have been hanging around for a while you know, I split my time between two tiny spots. A studio in NYC we have had for a while when commuting forth and back for work and family from Chicago to Chelsea and Tiny Black House.
{TBH has its very own tiny Instagram that documents all of the befores and afters if that is your thing. In another life I was an interiors stylist for spots like Chicago Magazine and Crate & Barrel.}
I moved back “home” to the East to be near my Dad. That is a whole other story of stories here on my Stack. He has been gone now since January after years of living with memory loss.
Ok, back to the shop…
While she may be small, my local bookshop is mighty.
Fran Hauser, is the proud proprietor of Bedford Books. First ever bookshop here since town was established in 1680. She closes the shop on Mondays, but swings open the doors for beautiful community gatherings. Most are around authors and their new books – all about her dream of making the shop a community hub and resource.
As the surgeon general report has shared, we are living in a loneliness pandemic. It is more urgent than ever to make connections and find a fourth space to do so.
A FOURTH SPACE
It’s where people intentionally gather for transformation, growth, real human connection and authentic belonging.
I attended an event last week featuring two authors who had written books on networking — guiding you to Take The Leap (as Sara Bliss’ title shares) and Meet 100 People: a how to guide to the career and life edge everyone is missing, by Pat Hedley. As a solopreneuer who is newer to town – I felt the call. I also trust Fran hosts the best of the best.
As is my usual POV, I began to see their advice through “a grief colored lens”. Here is what I mean. I know that many of the women in my partner loss support circle attend because they tell me that have a new found loneliness. In partner loss this may not seem unlikely to you, but I hear it in my Living With Loss circles too. Grief is lonely. Folks say they don’t want to burden others with talk of their dead loved ones—even longtime friends and family. In early grief we may find this support, but it dwindles.
Co-workers imagine as you return post-loss, that you are “better” and “back to normal” – and we know this is anything but the truth. Sure, sometimes work can offer us a purpose, place to go, make us feel like our “before self”, keep us busy and on a schedule when we feel untethered. But showing up while we are carrying a silent bag of grief and loss makes it damn heavy. It can feel like you are running a show in the background of your days that nobody knows it on.
I liked the ideas offered for networking as they related to meeting others who speak the language of grief. Maybe in your before loss world you had not been a “joiner” or a group person, I get it! I see the wisdom exchange happen in my groups. Someone says something and it resonates or teaches you something new and you reveal your truth and the same is true for others. It also connects you to hobbies, travel and many connective threads.
In our grief and death denying Western society, we have largely made the topic taboo. I recently posted a podcast clip of someone sharing their return to work after the death of their Dad and nobody asked him how he was doing. Many commented that it was “none of their business” and that “work associates are not your friends.” Corporate life. I believe death days and birth days are very much the business of being human.
As the women shared their best tips, I realized how easily they translated to grief connection:
-Reach Into Your Past
Perhaps there is someone you know from grade school or college you have not spoken to in a long time, but know it would be nice to reconnect. Catch up. Perhaps you know they too have experienced a loss. I recently told a childhood friend that I was sorry we did not do a better job back when she lost her Mom. It was not too late and it connected us in a new and profound way.
-Informational Meet Up
Just as you might ask for some time with someone in a field of interest, ask for time with someone who knew your person. I met up with one of my mother’s old friends and it filled my heart. I knew this woman when I was a little girl and we had not been in touch since my Mom’s funeral in 1993. She was as eager to talk about her friend as I was – and it connected me with new stories of “high school” Mom that were so very meaningful. Stories I had never heard or known.
-Meet A Stranger
Sidle up at the counter of a restaurant and take a meal on your own. Meet the person to your left and right. Perhaps the bartender. It might feel good to tell them part of your story. It might feel good that they know nothing about it. You get to decide. Perhaps you will make a new friend or connection.
-Linked In
You are connected to a network and their network is connected to a network. Maybe there is someone in an area that interests you and you are looking to get back into the workforce. Ask to meet for a cup of coffee. Connect! We need these warm connections to feel like we belong to the present world. You may also see a connection you can help with your own network. Feeling like you are helping someone else can make you feel good too.
-Post An Obit
Just as you might post a new job, or retirement. we posted Dad’s obit on social media. We highlighted places my Dad had worked over his years in pharmaceutical advertising. It was so lovely to hear from folks who knew him as work associates after he died. It was lovely to know more about him as a 360-degree person and how he had been as beloved at work as at home. Honor your person by sharing them with folks who knew them.
As the talk came to a close, we went around the room and each shared what we did and a bit about why we came to the talk. I had only signed up the day before, but felt the call to connect. When it was my turn to share, I was met with a gasp from one of the speakers – “my friend just gave me your name, and I am supposed to call you”. The woman beside me was a college advisor and shared with the room that she had lost her Mom a year ago. This would not likely been part of her story had I not gone before her. I say, “tell me her name.” Tears came as she shared. She told me she does not often get to talk about her Mom or her loss in her days.
It is my hope, dream and life’s work to try and change and normalize the conversation around grief. Changing the daily vernacular to include grief and loss so that we can bring it out of the shadow and into our lives.
Every time I have ever shared, it helps open the conversation for someone else. Grief support groups like The Memory Circle create Fourth Spaces where you can make these connections in community.
Please comment below if you have a FOURTH SPACE that has helped you find meaningful connection. Maybe someone else needs it too.
Share this post