Me again.
This morning, I am taking a page from my own playbook. (Well, no, “the book” is not out yet, but I promise it’s coming!) If I have learned anything in the bad grief math of 33 mother’s days without you, it’s this…writing makes me feel better. Writing to you and filling you in on every little thing and big thing, makes me feel even better. I tell clients to do this all the time, and so I am taking my own damn advice this morning.
Yes, it’s Mother’s Day. Again. The card aisles fill sooner than they used to, it’s a marketing machine, Mom. The hype and pump for gifts and brunches begin the moment we have put the last one to bed. I can imagine the beautiful copy you would be writing for the Steinbach’s Mother’s Day ads. Maybe if you were still their copy writer they’d still be selling away in Red Bank.
Town has changed so much. But Surray Luggage is still there. Why did we go there so often? We laughed last week thinking about it. It must have been where you got your pretty leather gloves and Aigner purse. Oh, that buttery burgundy with the signature “A” clasp. Danna and I were talking about town trying to remember our favorite shops from growing up. Remember The Garret, where you would drop us off to make beaded necklaces? Neither of us can remember the name of the place with the preppy chinos in a loud rainbow of choices. You know, the one right there on the corner. I know you’d know.
Yesterday I hosted the annual Unmothered Mother’s Day with Amy. It has always felt like taking back a little bit of the power that this weekend wields. Lots of people say, I know she wouldn’t want you to be sad. But I call bullshit on that, I think you actually would be a bit chuffed that we are bereft. Nobody did momming better than you. After 29 years at it myself, I actually know this is the fucking truth. (I curse just like you taught me!)
Danna is heading out on vacation today with her crew. She just took off. A family wedding on the other side. I have been back and forth to Emma and Lauren’s. She is feeling really good post-surgery. That is her story to write you about, but I have to think you know and were there in the operating room cheering them on and keeping it all smooth and easy. I know she would have called you and told you herself. All the whys and feelings she had, and knowing the just right words you would have had to share.
I got a text from Quinny this morning around 7 my time. Early MD wishes. I thought she woke up at the crack of dawn, but she was just getting home! Yes, that is 4am LA time. Lots of cooking gigs and training certification study with today off, and she was headed to a party last night into the wee hours. Ah, to be young!
I often wonder what your texts would look like and if we would still have as many calls these days? My guess is that you’d forever be a calling-us-multiple-times-a-day-Mom. And a tracking-us-all-with-the-location-settings kind of Grandma.
Oh, holy shit. I totally buried the headline. WE ARE IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE!
I know, right?
A wonderful client, who knows the Mom of a writer who works there, told them about my annual Mother’s Day Card Swap. And there we are Mom. My favorite photo of us. Have to say, I am not so happy that there are not more. I savor this one. Look at me looking at you like that.
I keep meeting an important Ellen everywhere I go, as you know. I can’t help but think you continue to put them in my path. From the producer at WGN to the incredible sage at the yoga studio. I feel them, hear them, seek them and I am soothed by them. Ellen was my favorite character in a book we read at book club last month, even if not my favorite selection.
This month we are reading You Could Make This Place Beautiful, a stunning divorce memoir by Maggie Smith. Can you believe women are talking about it like this? I read it before it even came out in 2023. There are passages that remind me of how you and Dad divorced all those years ago when I was just ten. You helped so many women understand this as a choice. I am pretty certain you also invented Conscious Uncoupling before it had a name or the fame of Gwyneth Paltrow behind it and was splash on social media.
Some days, like today, I ponder all of those paths you blazed. Taking your real estate license test and sharing floor time and commissions with Joanie. A business card with both of you on one. The Red Bank Register heralding you as the Dynamic Duo. I think you invented job share.
Looking back at then through my sixty year old lens (progressives firmly in place), I see it all as a map. Tacking points. The ones that led from there to here with new insights. You were a badass pioneer, Mom. I bet you were scared. Did you have a plan or was it like leaping off the edge of the great unknown?
Going to hop in the shower and head back to Emma. It’s been nice being able to care for her in a way I have not in many years. Gave her a Grandma Ellen bath, because she can’t yet get the scars wet. We have called that washcloth-at-the-sink quick clean up, a Grandma Ellen bath since they were born. What do you think would be your Grandma name?
It all reminds me how I am and always will be your baby. Will always and forever need you. And why today hurts and hollers in my bones. I know I have you baked in well, but damn if it does not hurt to not have you here on this side.
Oh yes, Aunt Trudy is still working. But more, still taking care of us all. In and out of the tax department. And yes, we played The Great Big Game Show for Danna’s birthday. You would have loved! So much to share since last we chatted.
One thing will always be true. I do it all to make you proud. And deep down, even without you saying so, I know that you are and will be cheering. Miss you like a mother fucker. And more. Talk soon.
