My husband takes the backroads to the movies. It’s the fastest route. This is the third film we are headed to see during this “between week”. The promise of another popcorn dinner lies ahead. The Jacob Burns theater was built in the years I lived nearby decades ago, and a favorite spot I used to dip in with Dad. We loved the movies. For a year, we attended film club there together. The theater has all the best indie films, and Kernal Season’s White Cheddar popcorn seasoning. If you don’t know both of these important facts, you do now.
I instantly found myself on memory lane. Grief happens upon you just like that. There I was years back, heading from the airport in Dad’s silver VW Beetle, in from Chicago for a visit home. While I have been back a little over three years now, it’s a route I rarely take these days. I know we will make our way right past his old house. My body knows too. I can feel the tears pressing up inside me. It feels tight around my heart. Red light. Turn right. “Hey Dad”, I say as we pass his driveway. The tears unfurled. They come easily. A quick stop at Whole Foods en route to the film, for a stash of Sumos.
As we pull in, there is a new J. Crew Factory store. I want to tell him. I can imagine us combing the store, and I am picking out a cozy chocolate brown sweater for him from the sale rack. I remember when the Whole Foods came to town in this shopping center. It was a huge deal. We had one in Chicago for years, but it was new to the tiny Westchester enclave of Chappaqua. My eldest is with me and Dad as we head in for the first time. He admires the beautiful produce. The way it is stacked. And tells us. I remind my husband of this memory as we make our way down our list.
Dad has been gone nearly a year now. We will return to the cemetery for an unveiling of his headstone. Something we do before the one year anniversary of a death in the Jewish tradition. You should see the Leiner sibs text thread of the four of us trying to find the just right words. It was like a high-level ad campaign of Dad’s past. We knew all too well that the font, stone color, words and sentiment were high stakes. I’d say we did Neil Leiner proud. I think he would also be terribly sad it was our job, but proud nonetheless.
As we returned to the car, I was tearful as I said out loud, “it’s just not right that he is gone.” Yes, he was 86, but he also lived with nearly a decade of memory loss. It seemed unthinkable for a man who used his words and creative prowess making ads memorable. Award winning. It should have been his best years as a Grampsy. His most beloved gig. One year he ordered himself custom Grampsy plates for the Beetle, and zipped proudly around town showing them off. We hung one on his door at his memory care room.
Back down the winding country roads to the theater. This time Song Sung Blue. A movie with Hugh Jackman and Kate Hudson based on a doc and life about a Neil Diamond tribune duo. I’d heard mixed reviews, but was truly moved by the story and think Kate’s Golden Globe nom is well-deserved.
I am gently reminded once again, that grief is hiding in plain sight down every side-street. But, so too is joy and just about a zillion incredible memories.
Wishing you all good things for a gentle New Year.
I am forever grateful you found your way here. Thank you! Writing to you is a gift to me. It serves as great grief tending to be able to share how I too, even decades later, am learning to live alongside loss. This is such a special community.
Know that there are always scholarships to our support circles.
I don’t believe that anyone should be turned away that is in need.
All scholarship funds come directly from paid subscriptions to Permission Granted.
Thanks to all of the paid subscribers.
I would love to guide you on your grief journey. Here are some ways to feel supported in the new year, a partner loss circle and living with loss circle.
If you’d like to work 1:1 with me, feel free to book a free consult to see if we are a good fit for you, or if you are requesting a scholarship.
And lastly, Grief Camp, a retreat at the incredible Kripalu Center.
See you all in 2026. That which is right is unfolding. x, B
